Once upon a time...
'Twas a cold winter's night in the cold month of December. The twenty-ninth day of said month, of the year 1996. 04:00am ticked the clock, which was met with the sound of a newborn's cry. At that exact moment, that one, truly beautiful moment... Junior Cadima was born. The story begins where Junior grew up, the lovely town of Dagenham in Essex. Where he spent eight years of his life attending Beam Primary County School - an aspiring school which produced intellectual talent. After the said time, he moved to the grand, cosmopolitan city of Bristol. One of the biggest accomplishments in Bristol was conquering the GCSE and leaving with ten of them - despite being faced with both financial and domestic problems.
Junior was a man with great dreams - to be one of the greatest footballers that ever lived. A truly ambitious man who lived up to legend and excelled in whatever he decided to do. He has, however, embarked on a new journey at St Brendan's. Where I know, we know, he will excel also.
Junior's had a rough start: moving schools; befriending new companions; moving homes. Although he's taken a break from his dream I am sure this is just the beginning of his path to glory. To be continued...
Good use of grammatical techniques, such as the appropriate commas in their rightful places. Your colons which you've presented are also used the the correct context, which portrays your grammatical understanding.
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